Fifteen candidates remain, as Lord Sir Alan Sugar looks for the Marks to his Spencer, his pie to his gravy and the boring to his Ed Sheeran. I’m fairly anxious to find out who’s the next candidate to go after Bulgarian Bilyana bit the bullet last week into the black cab. The main focus of this episode is that Alan Sugar wants a dog he can invest £250,000 into, and use it to control the world’s media, by targeting Larry the cat at No.10
This week it’s invention - the candidates must create a new household gadget and pitch it to some of the UK’s biggest retailers. I vaguely remember a gadget for holding your books when you’re on the beach before, because of course, those double-amputee beach fans are a lucrative market. I hope they create a tap for gin.
21.03: 5:30 AM and I have already seen an ugly tattoo. On Ricky Martin no less. Perhaps he went for the manly Celtic band to combat being called Ricky Martin. Perhaps.
They’re off to the Victoria & Albert museum in Kensington. Stephen appears to be the most annoying person on earth, jumping up and down like a rabid puppy. I would sooner set him on a slow-burning fire than talk to him in the morning. His Rocky style demeanour leads me to wish somebody would punch him, just to quieten him for a little while.
21.04: Jade is obsessed with weird metaphors that include the word ‘knock.’ Today she thinks the boys need knocking down a peg or two. Don’t give them ideas for a household gadget already Jade.
The boys think they’re better because they ‘gel’ better. At this point I’m hoping he means literally.
21.05: I once went on a trip to the V&A. I stayed for half an hour and then went to Harrods instead. However, a concise history is giving me all I need to know here.
Lord Sugar arrives, and it looks a little like a ill-attended political rally.
How does everyone look so well-polished in fifteen minutes? I’d be lucky if I was out my pyjamas by then. H
He finishes his speech, make me some bleedin’ money you layabouts etc
21.06: Time to choose project managers. It’s between the Blonde Assassin and Irish Catherine Tate this week. Jane has a new word for the week ‘Strategic’. She triumphs over Katie and if they win, she is one step closer to being turned into a dog.
I like that Jane’s first task it to shush everyone. Maybe this will work.
21.07: Azhar steps up to the boys team. ‘Master-puppeteer’ has gone out the window, to be replaced by “the killer whale of the sea world.” Where else do you find them? Maybe as a refrigerator salesman he had a few dubious skeletons in his fridge. Anyway, Free Willy etc
21.08:The girls have no ideas at all usefully. Duane floats the idea of a bin which reduces your waste by compacting it. A squashing bin..by using your hand. The boy’s invention is like buying a third foot with which to stomp on rubbish.
21.09: “What problems are we going to solve in the bathroom?” Jane muses. WORLD PEACE! Come on! We can all fit into this bath and have a big soapy hug.
21.10: The boys head off to test this bin idea. I hope somebody just repeatedly points at their foot with a baffled expression, and then gesticulates the wanker sign in the background.
Adam has created a washing-up mitten, which he thinks has bigger potential than handsquish bin. I’m concerned that the soft bit would come off too quickly, or that I would use them whilst drunk, convinced they would exfoliate my legs better.
21.11:The girls are suddenly hit by inspiration, but after hearing their ideas, you’d wonder if it was lightning. They have two ideas - a splash screen to stop your toddlers covering the floor with water, also dangerously fencing the child in, and tap cosy’s. SINCE WE ALL WORRY ABOUT OUR TAPS BEING COLD. If they look cold, run the hot tap for a bit or something.
TBH, if you lie in the bath with your head at the tap end and so have need for a product called a ‘tap cosy’, you’re a wanker. My friend Bethan points out that a splash guard has some potential; you can write down important things you think of in the bath. Also, you can stand behind it and draw a willy on the front so you can pretend to be a man.
WHY HAS NO ONE CREATED SOMETHING TO STOP ME DROPPING MY PHONE DOWN THE TOILET? I’D BUY IT
21.13: The mums like the tap cosy idea. Furthering my theory that if you don’t have to be mental to have children, you certainly become so.
21.15: The boys have gone to their focus group and Adam wearing one yellow plastic glove is making me cringe. He looks like he’s about to give a luminous rectal examination.
Most of the group like the squishbin, whilst one approves of the gloves. This is a group of chefs so I’m assuming all of them have dishwashers but Adam decides that this is a ringing endorsement for his gloves. One of the men look like a butch Boris Johnson. I feel odd.
21.17: The girls persuade themselves to go for the Splash screen. Also, Maria looks as if she has fallen asleep but I’m fairly certain it’s just the sheer weight of that eyeshadow weighing her eyelids down.
Truth be told, I’m glad they’re going for the Splash screen. It might come in useful for when the Killer Whale starts making waves..”YOU WERE INSENSITIVE TO MY FEELINGS.” Also, you could totally get some gin bottles in those pockets on the splash guard *thinking ahead*
21.19: The boys team have split, between Team Bin and Team Magic Hands (the name for the posh Marigolds.) Azhar claims to have checked and that there’s already a similar product in the market. It’s fairly clear he didn’t check, and if we’re being pedantic, I think the concept of bins is out there too. Ricky and Adam are sulking over their trumped-up Marigolds, as they feel Azhar is not emphasising with their feelings. Move on lads. Adam looks like a massive sulking albino tortoise.
Anyway, a bin and a shower curtain. HELLO ENTERPRISE.
Oh hang on, half of the girls are talking to an interior designer about their Tap Cosy idea, whilst the other half are creating the splash screen. What an omnishambles.
21.22: The prototypes have arrived and the boys looks like a small gay robot. I would assume it was an espresso machine rather than compost. I’m afraid that they’ve gone the similar way of last year’s product and forgotten we all have arms. Last years beach book holder, and this years binsquish, where we have HANDS which can push things down a bit. Austerity times etc
Splish Splash is a pile of crap. You would need several, otherwise the child could just splash AROUND it. It’s essentially a glorified whiteboard. Nowhere near efficient enough that I can fence a toddler into the bath. It’s essentially a death trap the child can draw a smiley face on. Ffs ladies.
21.23: The girls are on their way to pitch to Amazon and Jenna displays the maths that could lead her to becoming Chancellor of the Exchequer as she begins with “If they were to buy a million.” Austerity Britain weeps in the background
21.24: Jane has just pitched the million figure to Amazon and I no longer want to look at the screen. The man has just pointed out that these figures do not add up. Jane’s eyes get even wider until they engulf the world and life as we know it. She then refers them to her financial team, who look as if they recently discovered how to add beyond 10.
The girls can at least sit behind their invention while they’re being spat at when they’re homeless.
21.26: The boys are here. Duane is not allowed to speak, despite inventing the policy. Instead, Stephen does the dullest presentation in the world and I wish Jane’s eyes had swallowed the world. COOKING. SMELLS.
21.27: Nick just adopted the brace position, as he looks at Stephen with abject despair and sadness. Oh no.
21.28: The product already exists. This is just getting worse.
HANG ON. DUANE IS SAVING THE DAY. Everyone looks at him with gratitude. Nick comments on how Duane’s passion may have saved the day. Rather than Duane’s than Rickey’s.
It’d be weird if Amazon didn’t make any orders. Amazon stocks this ffs - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/images/B001ETJ6XS/ref=dp_image_text_z_0?ie=UTF8&n=468292&s=kids
21.29: The girls are fighting. Minimum order quantities, and the wrong numbers still. Bore off. I wish everyone would use a phone normally and save us the earache.
They’re presenting to Lakeland, and Jade seems to have got confused along the way and now believes she is presenting to toddlers a splash guard for adults, as she carefully enunciates ‘Fun!’ and ‘Toy’. The man points out that these waterproof crayons will be used to draw on the bath, creating further mess. Everybody smiles politely but the look in their eyes gives the intent of drowning.
It’s disappointing that neither of these panels had a women on.
21.31: Duane is presenting to Lakeland this time. It’s going very well.
21.35: BOARDROOM TIME! Maria’s purple outfit is back, and offending the eyes. From now on she will be known as Purplegate.
Jane is a mother so she *knows*. Apparently.
Lord Sugar finds the million units thing astounding. Jane parrots the fact that she is a mother again. I don’t know why, Jane uses her son as a guilt trip. THE SON THAT MIGHT DROWN BEHIND HIS SPLISH SPLASH.
21.37:Mutiny amongst the ranks when the boys are asked if Azhar was a good team leader. Lord Sugar comments on the size and wonders if it is for vegetarian dwarves.
OH HA HA HA.
Nick proffers the suggestion that half the group felt like “the country cousins who haven’t been invited to the party.” I wish Nick was my country cousin. I could attend Countdown and ask him why they still don’t have enough seats in the boardroom.
21.39: Amazon ordered 7,500 Splaish Splashes, despite Karren describing herself as “cringing” throughout the presentation, and a smaller order of 3,000 Eco Presses. But Lakeland ordered no Splish Splashes and 10,000 Eco-Presses. The boys win again.
NO SPLISH SPLASH FOR YOU GLEN COCO. YOU DON’T GO GLEN COCO. :-(
Jane adopts the eyes of the saddest puppy in the world. Perhaps this is Stage 1 of them swallowing everything.
21.40: The boys have a private room at The Ivy. It looks disappointingly like the function room of a pub where your granddad would get pissed and fall into the sausage rolls.
The girls are in the Cafe of Sadness and Maria has just emptied all the sugar into her Styrofoam cup. I don’t know if this is maybe a stay awake tactic or to prepare her for warfare. I think the biggest problem was that they spent the whole episode bitching. Not a brilliant portrayal of women overall.
21.42: Jane claims it was an “entertainment centre and storage”…AND THEREIN LIES OUR PROBLEM.
She also seems to have missed the problem that the “serious issue” with the tap cosies, was not the variation in the size of taps but rather that nobody has ever thought they should adorn their taps with ANYTHING. I’m not my nan.
21.44: The shaky camera work at this point can be explained by the fact that the camera operators must have been in hysterics.
Jane has decided to bring Maria in because she didn’t do much, and fell asleep in the car. She then picks Katie, before changing her for Jenna, the honking goose of the North. Excellent leadership skills.
21.46: “Maria is a bit shouty. A very noisy young woman” says Nick. I’m unsure if he’s just referring to her eyeshadow with regard to noise.
Jane’s tactic is to bait Maria, and then pointing out she fell asleep. Excellent strategy.
21.50: Jenna is squawking about how NOT SHY she is. Her accent wouldn’t allow it. Everyone within 3 miles can hear her.
Maria’s blouse is a mesmerizing purple flounce
21.52: Jane points out that she was more upset about this task than when she spoke to her crying son last night. Perhaps she is appealing to Sugar’s famed lack of emotion. He remained stony-faced through the whole of The Boy in Striped Pyjamas.
21.53: Maria looks as if she’s about to give somebody her earrings to hold.
21.55: MARIA TO GO. So sad. Lord Sugar looks as if he wants to fire another but instead they’re allowed back to the house for more backstabbing hugs. Splish Splash is immediately picked up as a junior riot shield. Yay!